1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
3. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. in done.
4. Evening massage - 6 PM
5. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
6. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
7. The Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door.
8. Ushers will eat latecomers.
9. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
10. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
11. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
14. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It’s a Terrible Experience."
15. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
16. Stewardship Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
17. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300^th anniversary of his birth.
18. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
19. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
20. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
21. 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, "The Lord Knows Why".
22. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
23. Today’s Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
24. Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?" Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding."
25. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD, Dr. Hargreaves is better.
26. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
27. Don’t let worry kill you off - let the church help.
28. The 1997 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
29. The Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary…
30. 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
31. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
32. Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

"Please keep a close watch on your children as they play outside. Several snakes have been seen around the edge of the woods…" (then without skipping a beat)

"Our Easter egg hunt is this Saturday here at the church…!"

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil said to the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked,

"So, what’s the catch?"

THE WRONG ADDRESS

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson). Unfortunately, he forgot his wife’s exact e-mail address and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson (JJohnson) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren’t

any.

Your twin brother forgot your birthday.

You turn on the news and they’re showing emergency routes from the city.

Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of

Hells Angels along a deserted highway.

You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don’t

have a waterbed.

Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

You call your answering service and you’re told to mind your own business.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.

Your tax refund check bounces.

Your put both contact lenses in the same eye.

Your pet rock snaps at you.

Your wife says, "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.

IN CHURCH

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, son."

"Good morning, pastor", replied the young man, focused on the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?", Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Johnny’s voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly,